It's not business, IT's PERSONAL...

.....FAMILY

So I want to share something... Personal. I have been personal before. How I feel. (Kinda) Most of the time I don't know how I feel. I am usually just "out there". There is always so much going through my head. I don't cope well. I don't deal with just one situation and move on to the next. I tend to deal with them all at once trying to juggle situations and feelings. (You should see me grocery shop without a cart or a basket... I usually get a couple of laughs from passerby's) Right now honestly, I am confused, sad, lost, and scared.

A few years back my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. From the brain scans and tests he had it before he was diagnosed. We knew that my Grandmother (My Dad's Mom) had it, also along with her brother. Later we found out that 3 out of the 4 kids (my Grandmother and her siblings) had the Alzheimer's. A few years back I met one of my dad's siblings and thought he may have had it too. Just yesterday I found out that my Aunt may have it also. That would make 3 out of the 7 kids in my Dad's family.

I am the oldest of 4. My mother's side has not shown any dementia or Alzheimer's. We, my siblings and I, were told we could find out if we have the gene. It could tell us if we are going to have it or not, or can pass it on. I now have 4 children myself, as far as we know Louie's Grandfather from his Biological father's side has Alzheimer's.

They say the disease is hereditary. I see what my mom does everyday for my Dad. I am so proud of her for taking care of him. I say this for so many reasons. Right now I choose not to share, and they are not her fault. I am beginning to now understand more of why my life was the way it was. Why the lack of contact from our extended family. Why things were not taught or said.

I grew up acting "AMERICAN" (white). I swear I ONLY look Filipino. I don't know any Tagalog. Okay a few words and one of them is not appropriate. I know more Spanish then Tagalog, only because the man I married was Mexican and bilingual. But even then I only know enough where wouldn't starve, have not place to stay, have clothes, no bathroom, and to be able to get lot of kisses. That's just about it.

I don't know much about my heritage, I guess I could ask around more. But the more I find out the more disappointed I am of my ancestors and my lack of knowledge. I understand more about shame. What it does to a person, a family. It makes me sad, how heartless people can be.

Karma... She's a bitch. But she's right. I don't think Alzheimer's is Karma, because a person is born with Alzheimer's. It's like you are born with a bomb waiting to go off one day. When it does, it isn't a quick death, it's long and tedious. Not for the person with it, but their family and loved ones. I find more and more that people can't deal with it. It's a horrible disease that people choose not to deal with. Denial. Financial. Physical. Mental. I don't want that for my Dad. Nor do I want that for my possible future. So what can we do to make sure things are okay for "WHEN" or "IF" it happens. What do you do? Carpe Diem? Plan? Deal with it when it happens?

It's stressful, my Dad is 57 years young. I wouldn't ever send him away somewhere because we couldn't deal with him. I could see us find a safer environment for him if need to be. But he would never go away. I now understand why things weren't said when I was growing up. Why my mom chooses the decisions she does. Why it's so hard for her and for us to go against the current to a proper family structure. Family, it's not business. It's PERSONAL.