How long...

... will you hold a grudge for? Till it becomes too much? How long is long enough? How long is too long? Will you take it to the grave with you? And most of all, if you have faith in an afterlife, will you take it beyond death of life itself and let your soul hold on to it into heaven, hell, or purgatory?

Forgiveness. A selfless and some say selfish act. We can only forgive those who we choose. We can only accept the apologies that are given and we choose to accept. What are our conditions to our forgiveness? Or should we be completely forgiveable? What is not worth forgiveness? As people of free will, should we leave our judgements to ourselves or to our creator? Do you have a creator? Do you believe in an afterlife? Would you be willing to create "chaos" in your afterlife due to you grudges, lack of forgiveness, and apologies? If your belief of life lies only here on this earth, are you willing to sacrafice a part of you to the pain of not moving on and making the best of life of everyone around you? Do you then believe that every minute wasted on anger and pain is 60 seconds less than you could have used on something better like happiness, love, joy, and passion?

It makes me sometimes wonder how to pick and choose my battles when it comes to these questions. It can be a painful, yet amazing experience. It can either bring me down, or bring me to the door of change. Like I know what its like if I choose this way, I wonder if I choose something different if the outcome will be a better one. Do we all have second chances? Have we learned from our mistakes? Have we learned from our triumphs? Have we celebrated our love with those we love and love us back? Have we tried to celebrate life with those we love that choose to live afar. Do we do our very best in life? Do we make up for the times we don't always think or do our best? Do we hold ourselves accountable for ALL of our actions?

Grudges... how long is too long? And how long are you willing to hold on to this? Honestly, as painful as it is, it is destructive and I must move on and learn another way to cope because this way has gotten me nowhere. To another plan... to a better one... to one with a possible future with maybe you, but a more peaceful one for me.

HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

It's been 1 year! Can you believe it? I can't. It's been 1 year since I started blogging. WOW! Kinda still in shock!

So I would like to start this blog with a story on how I started knitting. A hand full of people know how I started, but I think on a day like this would be perfect story to tell.

One day I was sitting at home crocheting. I was pregnant with our youngest (Julianna), and it was a cool day in March. The previous Christmas we went to El Paso, TX and I was talking with Louie's Aunt Carmen and his cousin's girlfriend, Abby. They both crocheted. I asked if they knew how to knit and they both said no. (For Christmas, I had made crocheted slippers for my mother-in-law and my-grand-mother-in-law.) I had expressed that I would love to learn how to knit one day. Well, back to 3 months later in March, I decided to teach myself. I had some yarn, with no knitting needles. So I sharpened 2 colored pencils to a point and used those to teach myself. My yarn kept on snagging on the wood tips so I used some clear fingernail polish to make the tips smoother. I sat myself in front of the computer looking for tutorials on how to knit. It was before YouTube was really big to me. I, then found this website, www.knittinghelp.com, it was amazing! (I even still find myself there every now and again.) I could watch the same video over, and over, and over again. It was nice because I could watch it without annoying someone saying "I didn't get it". Soon enough I found myself knitting. I convinced my husband to let me buy some cheap Boye knitting needles and some cotton yarn. The first thing I ever made was a pillow for our dog Vega (RIP). It didn't last long and was tossed out. The next thing I made was a baby blanket for my niece, Avari's baby shower! I then ventured out and made another blanket for our daughter Julianna, and my first hat! Since then I have been hooked! I have made hats, blankets, a pillow, socks!, stuffed animals, Mary Janes (EEE!), mittens, fingerless gloves, arm warmers, legarmers, cables, and a Shawl (DOUBLE EEE!). I even taught myself to Magic Loop Knit! (No more one sock/mitten/arm warmer syndrome!) Next week I will be knitting my first Christmas Stocking! And hopefully some socks made from actual sock yarn.

I hope to push my knitting thoughts to bigger and better places! It has been a wonderful habit to endure. It has helped me so very much. With my thoughts, and helping me pick and choose my battles. I have even taught other people how to knit. (Including my daughter, Mila.) :D This year holds my biggest knitting accomplishments to date, (Louie's socks, Mary Janes, and my shawl). I have a couple of other projects I really want to kick out of the park before the year is over. "Cross" your fingers... LOL!

Ranting...

Pet Peeves! Why I have them, and why I can't let them go!

Things that used to be peeves, but not so much anymore.

Do I want to have more kids? Am I going to have more kids? Why do you have 4 kids?

Okay, I would love more kids, but honestly in this fast paced bad economy world it would be in our best interest to just keep the 4 kids we have and not procreate anymore. (Though I have been told we have some of the cutest kids in the world!) We have 4 children because we also came from large families. Louie is 1 of 5 children, and I am 1 of 4. So we wanted our children who had someone to play with, share with, learn with, and cooperate with. They now have 3 other someones in the house to play with, and I think that they are quite lucky to have that.

Teen moms have no idea what they are doing, and are quite selfish....

Okay, being a mom at 17, 19, 21, and 22. I can tell you any new mom has something to learn regardless of age and experiences. What will the birth be like? (Every one of them is unique) What kind of baby will we have? (Colic, jaundice, nights/days mixed up, hungry, poop/pee everywhere (blow out baby?!), sleep through anything, light sleeper, like the bouncer/swing/floor/boppy... the list goes on!) As a teen mom I did have my own selfishness, but every Mom does, but I can tell you I grew up incredibly fast. It took a lot of work, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

FML....

I loathe this phrase. Why? Because everyone has their own tragedies. But stating to FML just sounds like you are asking for more trials, instead of trying to just get up, brush it off, and try again.

My biggest one: Those who use Husband and Wife (hubby and wifey) though they are not married.

Okay... my history. I got married at 18 and planned most of my wedding when I was 17. I got married in the Catholic church. So we did all the neccesary steps to do so, including Louie completing all of his sacraments, and the additional counseling due to our extremely young age. (We also already had a child premaritally) My parents said I could get married if I graduated high school. (Meaning they would pay for a wedding.) I did, and on time. We went through a lot in the short time we were engaged. We did the all steps I was taught was right to get married. We could have easily waited till I was 18 regardless of my beliefs and gotten married in a court house. Not that the court house weddings are less of a marriage, but at that time in my life it wasn't right for me. So when people slap around these names when they aren't married, it makes me upset. It makes me feel sad as an adult they don't want, or just haven't, taken the steps to get married. It can be as easy as applying for a marriage license and getting married. Or it can be as complicated as we made it be. But I find the steps we made, make me appreciate the names Husband and Wife so much more... I wish people could respect them more. If they choose to live together and make a family, and that is what they feel is right for them, then that's fantastic. But by all means in my book this doesn't mean they are married, husband, or wife.

The success of being a parent...

Soccer season!!!

All of our soccer children have each scored this season!! Mila scored her first one a few weeks ago, Lela scored her first one last weeked, and Sergio for the first time this weekend. All of them have brought both my sister and me tears to our eyes. You wouldn't think to cry at a time like this, but tears of joy just happen to come. To see my children grow up more and more into the little people they are. It truly is amazing! And I don't know how else to express that.

Mila started soccer 4 years ago and had no desire to really play. Infact she kinda played her own game. Ran around in circles, up and down the field, picked at the grass, and hugged her team mates during games. Now she runs, takes the ball down the field, passes, talks to her team mates, helps cheer them on, asks to play and sometimes even scores!

Lela started soccer 2 years ago and did not want to play at all. She was shy, afraid, she cried in the middle of the field, walked, and refused to play when asked. Now she really gets in there, takes the ball, passes, plays one of the best defense, and currently holds the most goals in the family.

Sergio, this is his first year of soccer. This boy has so much drive!! He has amazing potential that is craving direction. He is most definately one of the most aggressive players on his team. He will take the ball and drive it down the field. He even thought to stop it and shoot it in a goal today. He usually takes it right out of the field. Which may call him to be a football player later in the future.

I am on a Mommy high. How great they are! No other feeling could ever match this feeling, other than more of their success. I am so so proud.

Now to cleaning pencil marks off the walls.... dents the feeling, but not by much at all.

So much to just think about...

So, I found out today that a childhood friend of mine has lost her pregnancy. She knew what she was having, the baby even had a name. They were all super excited. I even followed along on facebook.

This makes my heart ache. It makes me want to scream and cry and hold my kids so tight. It makes me feel guilty of how blessed I am. How sometimes I take the simple things, the big things for granted. I feel sad and heart broken. Though it doesn't directly affect me, it hurts. My heart hurts for them.

I don't know why this happened. We never may know. But it makes us cherish life. All life. No matter how old or young you are. Your status. Whether you are nice or mean. Born or unborn. Sick or well. Troubled or untroubled.

Just brings me back to compassion. To have it. To share it.

Moving on...

Continuing to make good judgements. Trying not to falter in my guilt or doubt. I know how I got here. I made a choice and I'm sticking to it. I remember how it made me feel, what it made me think, and how I came to this decision. I can only choose how I feel, what I think, and the things I can do. I cannot choose how the other people will feel, think or do. But I set up boundaries for comfort, for morals, for me! Because I was uncomfortable.

I'm am realizing I'm in a stage of growing. I've always have been here, and will be here till the day I die. But I'm in a place of acceptance and I am openly taking in this growth. I am trying to learn as much as possible, living my life to the fullest. And right now that means falling in love with my husband everyday, squeezing my children every chance I get, loving my family for who they are and not who I want them to be, for my two best friends who like (love) me for who I am, and me loving them for who they are.

We are all subject to change. But since we are all subject to it, we must all choose to grow together or apart. Ours lives are a dance. Not every dance is a seductive Tango or a happy Jive. We have to learn each others reactions to our actions. And when someone backs off, it means they need space. Unless they both are in agreement and its a playful game of tag.

I am learning just like you. Its whether you want to learn or just choose to move on and go. Its your move, and I have a feeling this friendship has now become 2 solos. And frankly, I'm okay with that. Because you cannot dance with someone you cannot trust.

Boundaries!

STOP! Right there...  this is my space, and this is yours. I don't want you to enter my space without my permission. We are 2 people, with 2 different lives, with 2 different wants and needs. But that doesn't me we can't be friends, we just need boundaries!

Yes! I am happily married, despite the huge challenges. Yes! I love being a Mom, though I may go crazy in the end. Yes! My family may have constant drama, but what family doesn't? And it doesn't mean we are "mean" to each other, we just don't always know how to express our feelings. No! I don't want you to think its okay for you to be in my space. No! I don't think you should get upset when I set my boundaries. You wouldn't like me to do things that make you uncomfortable.

Just because I need a break from you doesn't mean I don't like you. Just because I need a break with you doesn't mean I need you to rescue me. (I will let you know if you are my rescuing type...) Just because I talk to you to vent doesn't mean you should hold it over my head. Just because I talk to you, tell you my secrets, and so and so, ect. ect. doesn't mean I want to live happily ever after with you. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I am neccessarily angry at you! Just because I haven't talk to you, doesn't mean I am trying to avoid you.

I can and will choose my life's choices. If you aren't happy with or able to respect my decisions, feelings, and oppinions then please leave.

Boundaries! Make them, set them, live them, share them.