You know I hate change. I have posted it before. I have struggles with it. I have attachment issues. I get obsessed with projects and how I feel. I am passionate, incredibly. I can feel my energy in the items I make and even go into the people I talk too.
I lie here in my bed, after a night of tossing and turning. My mind won't shut off. Instead of resting my mind and feelings, I am stuck in a dream I always go too but was trying not to think about. I wanted freedom from my thoughts. Schedules, projects, and you. To be in a world of people I know but don't. But what happens when your feelings come alive from your dreams. You feel them. You hands are cold, your heart races, and you aren't breathing steadily anymore. You laugh, but really you are scared. Scare to let go. It's a dream, though it could be a real life nightmare. You can't go, it has hold of you now. You hate change. It's no longer a dream anymore but it's real.
It's like Laurie's dream in Ok-la-homa (I found myself singing that while I wrote it.). A fantasy, a dream built for fantasy, pleasure, hope, and it is ruined by real life. She wakes up instantly scared. The nightmare is true, it's real. Do we dream our feelings? Is it what your heart really just wants or true love? Fanatsy or real? Poor Laurie. She knows what she wants but has to push a nice guy out of his horse cart to get to Curly.
Am I awake or still living a dream. Will it stop? Can I let go? Should I? What is at stake? Something I should take into consideration. A fantasy has come alive. I am watching it die. A part of me is dying. I am in remorse. Like a long time friend I would come and see at night, I can no longer. It's real. My hopes and dreams are real. I live it now. Totally did not plan out like as it did in my dreams. Do I still dream it? Or come up with another? I know I need to leave but my heart aches. I cry. My dreams have come alive and it's a nightmare.
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Is everything ok?
ReplyDeleteI had one of those mornings. It was a night when I didn't get enough sleep, and when I finally fell asleep I knocked out for an hour and woke up mad at everyone. I really wasn't sure whether I was awake or asleep. Technically, I shouldn't have blogged. But so glad I did, because when I got out of bed, I felt so much better. And wasn't grumpy the least bit.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. Everything is okay.
ReplyDelete