I'm so angry right now. The kids are napping and its quiet and I was putting the batter together for muffins. I couldn't help but just start thinking in the silence. And I'm just so overwhelmed. I wanna scream. My thoughts won't stop. And I'm just so angry. At everyone. Just angry. I'm upset at the things that can't be controlled that leaves us to be human. Life's decisions, our feelings, families, climates, "disease", other's choices, the little things that make the big things go so wrong, Karma, friend's that live far away.
Karma, she's a BITCH! I mean it. There are times I am so glad what goes around comes around. But cheering her on is only asking for it to come back and bite me in the ass. I am finding she is more complicated than just going around and coming around. Does she just punish for the things we do on purpose or the effect we leave on people?? We also forget what shes does back to the person, eventually effects others. Maybe Karma is another word for our actions, that its like the butterfly affect. That every little thing has a bigger reaction. Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean it isn't true.
I also am mad because you care so much to ask to have some of my time. I make time, you make it seem like it means so much to you, but later to find out, that it means nothing. That "venting" about that stoopid girl you loved that doesn't love you back means more to you than me listening to you and our very friendship. That me just being there isn't just enough. That all I was just a person to listen. I can't give you all the time and money in the world. But I sure as Hell can be a great friend. Why can't you just see that?
I am mad because my dad has Alzhiemer's. That though I have him in my life right now, we never had the opportunity to have a real relationship as father and daughter, except when I was really little. My teenage years were horrible, and the rebel in me didn't make it better. Now I find myself mad, why? Why now? Why can't I have a father. Its not fair. And for some reason, I feel like its all my fault, and yet has nothing and everything to do with me. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Most of all why?!? Why do I have to learn everything the hard way? Why are we being taught this lesson, and most of all, this way? Is it because we were being taught another way and chose not to change, to learn, and make things better? Is this the only way you could get it through our thick skulls?!? Has it nothing to do with me, and everything with them, and it just affects me? Or has it everything to do with me, and its all my fault? WHY? I don't know why, though I probably will never actually understand. But its painful to put forth effort to find out that you have become more lost then you thought you were. You thought you had seen a comfortable path of happiness and love, to find more pain and sadness. I just hope in this time of pain and sadness that I can learn something good from it. Because I don't know why, I cannot understand till I have overcome this obstacle.
It hurts and I cannot control what happens. I can only control myself, and my choices. Just sometimes I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
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